An Iteration
BE YOUR OWN HERO
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my blog. Stay tuned for more. Subscribe to get notified for new posts.
**All photos are my own as are my words. Quotes used will be credited to the author, music videos are not mine and are owned by the respected artists.
I come out of the white stall, one of about six or seven other stalls in a long strip. It is quiet. Before me a large mirror spans the length of the bathroom. There is one sink for each stall. I take a few steps forward to my designated sink. I reach for the faucet but get distracted by a slow movement in the mirror. It is the slow movement of the stall door swinging open behind me. There, where I was, she stands in her white gown, her hair as messy and black as the last time I saw her. I yell at her to go away. She does not blink. Her eyes, fixed on me, do not change.
I wake up.
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When I first saw her, she wore her long white gown. The vision of her floating above me after she yanked off my blanket, the stare of her round determined eyes. Did she wake me to tell me or did I wake to her words, I want your baby? It felt more the latter.
That nightmare occurred a few days after two fresh embryos were transferred into my uterus, the day before my first pregnancy blood test. We had spent over fifteen thousand dollars and underwent a tedious detailed step-by-step routine plan for this first in vitro cycle with the fresh embryos. We froze two other embryos for later.
The numbers for my hCG levels come back as 5 and then 9. These numbers were not high enough. They should have been 10 and 20, doubling every other day. I do another blood test and the results came back 0.
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Six months later, we do a second embryo transfer using the two frozen embryos.
I am combing my hair getting ready for work. While I comb my hair, she appears in the mirror staring at me as me. I wake up.
Mama comes over to keep me company. I had placed myself on bed rest so that the embryos may have a better chance of implantation. Mama sits across from me doing her cross-stitching. On the couch, I lie. Fatigue closes my eyes. The doorbell rings. Mama gets up to open the door. I remind her that the front door is not to be opened, “Use the garage door, Mama.” “Oh, it’s just your dad,” she says. Something flutters at my left ear like the wings of a butterfly. I wake up. Mama is there in front of me doing her cross-stitching. “Did you hear something, Mama?” She looks up at me, “I didn’t hear anything.”
A few days later, I complete another round of pregnancy blood tests. The results are negative.
How many times is it necessary to start over? As many as needed.
Self evolution is a serious matter to me. What works for me:
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Having a support person/system is also helpful for me. Any progress made is a step forward. Some days require taking a step back in order to realign but it is okay, it is progress.
If you are feeling stuck or stagnant, perhaps seek an intuitive energy healer such as a Reiki Master or Shamanic Practitioner to help remove blocked energy for better realignment. I have sought help from both kinds of practitioners and have become a practitioner of both myself. I enjoy helping others. There are many other alternative healing modalities to consider such as meditation, yoga, and sound healing.
We are all energy. We all vibrate. We all have the ability to realign and give birth to new versions of ourselves. Trust and believe. It can be done.
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Music has also been helpful. My go to song:
It is Day 150 for this year’s cycle on MyFitnessPal and Day 1,976 since I started this particular selfcare journey. I will update every now and then in case you want to embark on your own journey and to reap your own better health. My intent is to inspire by being and doing. Feel free to ask questions in the comments.
I’ve included my macros ratio for the day. I do not eat out. I prepare my meals at home and I am diligent with watching my portions. I also refrain from consuming processed foods and or artificial flavoring. As mentioned in a previous health post, calorie counting is not necessary for me though it was how I started.
On WHOOP I made a .2 gain this week. I am happy to just maintain a steady “no change” but to make this gain is exciting. This gain is a result of consistency but also with an increase in exercise (heart rate zones and steps per day) and rest (sleep).
Getting good sleep has been more the challenge than diet and exercise for me, especially this past year. With WHOOP, my daily and weekly goal is to reach a 14.2 strain. I have been able to keep consistent above 14.2 with incorporating some Muay Thai shadowboxing sessions, usually two sessions at 20-25 minutes each but on occasion sessions can be 15 or 30 minutes each. With the days getting shorter, I have not been able to get as many trail miles daily so the MT shadowboxing sessions are necessary.
More miscellaneous data: 1. WHOOP tracks sleep, recovery and strain, shown below is my dashboard for the day. 2. My FitBod calisthenics session. 3. My current meditations update on Headspace.
*Check out my previous health and fitness posts if you like this post.
Another series of Mother Nature’s beauty from my collection, a set of personal favorites. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
A second compilation of my fungi, mushroom and slime mold collection, findings while out in Mother Nature. To help identify these species, I use Seek by iNaturalist and Plantiary, apps you can download onto your mobile devices. I am not an expert and I do not consume any findings I come across.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
I hope you enjoyed viewing my collection. If you want to see more, check out my series one.
I was born in a refugee camp, not in a hospital. I do not have a birth certificate that tells when I was born. Astrology is fascinating but my day of birth was just an accurate as possible estimate. I appreciate that my father took the time to consider this moment. I know of scenarios where some families all have the same birthday to make paperwork easy, the month and the day are the same, only the year is different.
October 22 is considered Libra but also Libra-Scorpio cusp. Because I have a curious mind I did sometimes read about Scorpio. Scorpio aligns with me as well. It was not until recent that I learned to consider our rising, moon and ascendent signs as well as our sun sign. Some of these aspects are missing in my chart due to the lack of knowing exactly what day and time I was born.
When my family came to the United States, I was a little over a year old. The steward on the airplane gave my mother a diaper for me and my mother did not know what to do with it. The steward showed my mother what to do by demonstrating on me, likely with some language, too but my mother would not have understood the language at the time, whatever the language was. It would take years for my mother to learn her English through watching television and taking a few adult English classes at a local non-profit organization. My mother loved television and knew what time it was depending on what was on. She would often set her routines around her television shows until she got ill.
Life is the soul of us and our bodies are what we wear. If you’ve seen a dead body, especially someone you know at a personal level, it is quite apparent. My mother shifted on December 25, 2018 out of her physical body. When I saw her in preparation for her funeral some time later, I almost did not recognized her. It was her but without her soul life. She would not open her eyes and I would no longer hear her voice, even if just to verify who I was.
There is a saying that life is short but to me, life in a body is short because of the limitations set on that particular body by the consciousness of that person, especially when the conscious mind overrides the subconscious mind. The ego sabotages. Where intuition should be followed it is often ignored or not tuned in to. There is power in the subconscious mind. The human body has the ability to heal itself. The body needs alignment and balance so that energy and vibration can flow.
These are my stats today from WHOOP. I have been using WHOOP for 608 days. It has provided me lots of data and I get to know myself better over time and progress monitoring. I have not had a consistent family doctor in my life so being able to take charge of my health is beneficial to me. According to my documented day of birth that my father put down on paper, I am 47. According to WHOOP’s data analysis, my age is 36.2.
I use WHOOP along with other apps. I have the WHOOP 5.0 so if you are also using WHOOP but have not upgraded, I do recommend it.
In my family, diabetes type 2 is common. Both of my parents underwent dialysis and suffered from kidney diseases before they shifted. Many of my siblings, if not all, are in different stages of diabetes. I do not have diabetes nor am I pre-diabetic but this is a conscious choice that I made 1,962 days ago. I am an active person but I am also careful about what I consume. I am proud of my self-care progress but this kind of care is not taught nor is it really supported or seen in the right way. People encouraged and supported me when I began but after a year or two my progress seems oblivious and perhaps even triggering. As mentioned in a previous post, my data posts are glossed over. I do not need anyone to continue cheering me on, my progress can fluctuate at times but it is steady in trend towards good health. I celebrate by continuing my activities. My mobility is my prize. I get to exercise. It is not chore but a way of being that I enjoy. Instead of going to a gym, I go out into the beauty of Mother Nature where there is fresh air and other natural grounding elements.
The life of a soul is long. It undergoes many iterations of new bodies and experiences. Indigenous cultures treat creatures of the earth and life in general with this respect. In my Hmong heritage, there is a belief that if you could not be with someone in this life, there may be an opportunity in another life.
When was the last time you observed the colors of the leaves, the posture of the trees, the little creatures in nature full of wonder, a peaceful sunset or a refreshing sunrise? Mother Nature is as magnificent as she is amazing. These are some of my favorite captures but more is to come from my adventures. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
An initial compilation of my fungi collection, findings while out in Mother Nature. I often refer to them as fun-guys (fungi, mushroom, slime mold, lichen or other specimen found in nature).
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
To help identify these species, I use Seek by iNaturalist and Plantiary, apps you can download onto your mobile devices. I am not an expert and I do not consume any findings I come across.
My windy day photos from a few days ago remind me of how to better see, pause and listen. Set aside time for you and Mother Nature. Be with her. Watch the sun rise or sun set. Declutter the systems that are unnatural, the frequencies that keep you small. The revolution is with the consciousness. Shift your frequency. You are who you are looking for. You are your own hero. Listen to your intuition.
Sometimes when I am on the trail, whether hiking, jogging or taking pictures, I utilize Spotify, Pandora or Apple Music. Sound is healing. It is energy. Just as important as stillness and silence is, so is sound energy.
Music has often been a way to soothe my being when I am in an emotional funk or just need to relax and decompress. I listen to all kinds of music from all genres including film soundtracks, whatever speaks to me. I have had many moments when a song with the perfect lyrics is on air at the exact moment. I remember when trying to leave a relationship, Timmy T’s “One More Try” was on the radio. This was when music streaming platforms were not a thing yet, Naptser and ripping CDs was popular. I was driving from the university to my apartment in my Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was on my way to pick up my belongings and the radio DJ aired this song as if for my specific circumstances. I remember being stopped at a busy traffic light intersection. The lyrics were telling me Baby can we give it one more try? as it started to sprinkle. The heavy rain drops on my windshield also expressed that universe knew our emotions. My empath heart led me back to him but that karmic relationship ended on good terms years later. We became great friends and still wish each other well energetically.
I am one who can listen to a song on repeat and never tire of it. I have driven from Wisconsin to the Carolinas listening to one song on repeat, that’s over 14 hours of driving.
When he introduced this song to me, I did know why it resonated so much. Only after being disconnected did I understand why.
From the other side, I feel his emotions. I know that I am on his mind and it bothers him. It bothers him because I am likely triggering him as he is triggering me.
I have done a lot of inner work, spent years sorting through trauma and unhealthy conditioning on my own. Most therapists do not know the spiritual aspect of what is going on, not the ones I have sought guidance from. Most of their reasoning is through logic which is not how the universe works.
He makes me laugh. I feel open and safe with him, even through space and time.
“Imagine if I made you cry” were his words. And I did. Something came over me. “I have been through so much. It takes a lot to make me cry,” was my response. And yet, there I was, crying.
It was a full moon. My menses just started. I shared briefly about how I was raped and had to marry the guy to save face. I thought I had put it all behind me. I suppressed it for so many years, numbed it all away to continue my matrix duties as this title and that title, to be there for that person and the other person but not for me. That guy and I did become good friends after all of the trials. We were a couple that folks came to for help and comfort. We were very efficient. When I left that relationship, it puzzled people. I remember us going to a family meeting together while my parents rode with his brother in a different car. It was a meeting to finalize our separation but we arrived together and left the meeting together.
I try to do right but I am likely seen as a villain to the collective, especially to those who confirm to societal norms. How could I leave the man who helped me through all that education? Education is my right but in some cultures woman are not allowed education. Or, how could I leave when we were such a successful team? I could no longer stay where I could not be true to me. I was a people pleaser and was performing for others. Putting myself first makes me the villain.
Maybe I was a villain in wanting to express myself to him. Friends but I felt it was more. Who I was with him was uncharted territory for me at different levels. I did not get to say all that I wanted when I got disconnected. I cried again for two more days. I was not upset with him. I was upset with the emotions in me, emotions that I could not control. My authentic ways of being can be intense. I know I trigger people. I have learned to speak truths and I follow my heart and intuition. Relationships have been a struggle for me but I know how important clarity and boundaries are. I also know that a relationship will not work for me if his energy and mine do not align. My words do not reach him, not yet, but my energy does, even after all these months. I feel this to be true, an inner knowing.
I cannot and will not force a relationship. I know what it is like to be forced into a relationship whether for others through Hmong cultural norms or imposed via world societal norms. I also know what it is like to stay in a dead relationship. It is not healthy.
We make mistakes but we are to learn from them. If we do not learn and heal these karmic patterns we will return in another iteration to learn again.
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*All photos are mine in this blog and in all my blog posts. Any music shared via YouTube belongs to the artist, I do not own rights to the music. Please respect and give credit to the artists where credit is due.
Mai Lee's Blog