An Iteration
BE YOUR OWN HERO
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my blog. Stay tuned for more. Subscribe to get notified for new posts.
**All photos are my own as are my words. Quotes used will be credited to the author, music videos are not mine and are owned by the respected artists.
I come out of the white stall, one of about six or seven other stalls in a long strip. It is quiet. Before me a large mirror spans the length of the bathroom. There is one sink for each stall. I take a few steps forward to my designated sink. I reach for the faucet but get distracted by a slow movement in the mirror. It is the slow movement of the stall door swinging open behind me. There, where I was, she stands in her white gown, her hair as messy and black as the last time I saw her. I yell at her to go away. She does not blink. Her eyes, fixed on me, do not change.
I wake up.
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When I first saw her, she wore her long white gown. The vision of her floating above me after she yanked off my blanket, the stare of her round determined eyes. Did she wake me to tell me or did I wake to her words, I want your baby? It felt more the latter.
That nightmare occurred a few days after two fresh embryos were transferred into my uterus, the day before my first pregnancy blood test. We had spent over fifteen thousand dollars and underwent a tedious detailed step-by-step routine plan for this first in vitro cycle with the fresh embryos. We froze two other embryos for later.
The numbers for my hCG levels come back as 5 and then 9. These numbers were not high enough. They should have been 10 and 20, doubling every other day. I do another blood test and the results came back 0.
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Six months later, we do a second embryo transfer using the two frozen embryos.
I am combing my hair getting ready for work. While I comb my hair, she appears in the mirror staring at me as me. I wake up.
Mama comes over to keep me company. I had placed myself on bed rest so that the embryos may have a better chance of implantation. Mama sits across from me doing her cross-stitching. On the couch, I lie. Fatigue closes my eyes. The doorbell rings. Mama gets up to open the door. I remind her that the front door is not to be opened, “Use the garage door, Mama.” “Oh, it’s just your dad,” she says. Something flutters at my left ear like the wings of a butterfly. I wake up. Mama is there in front of me doing her cross-stitching. “Did you hear something, Mama?” She looks up at me, “I didn’t hear anything.”
A few days later, I complete another round of pregnancy blood tests. The results are negative.
How many times is it necessary to start over? As many as needed.
Self evolution is a serious matter to me. What works for me:
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Having a support person/system is also helpful for me. Any progress made is a step forward. Some days require taking a step back in order to realign but it is okay, it is progress.
If you are feeling stuck or stagnant, perhaps seek an intuitive energy healer such as a Reiki Master or Shamanic Practitioner to help remove blocked energy for better realignment. I have sought help from both kinds of practitioners and have become a practitioner of both myself. I enjoy helping others. There are many other alternative healing modalities to consider such as meditation, yoga, and sound healing.
We are all energy. We all vibrate. We all have the ability to realign and give birth to new versions of ourselves. Trust and believe. It can be done.
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Music has also been helpful. My go to song:
Handwriting was a thing. Those days, texts were sent via written notes folded into hearts or other creative shapes like ninja stars or envelopes. They were given via a friend to the person or handed off direct to the person between passing periods in middle school or high school. Stamps were not necessary. Or, letters were mailed the old fashioned way where stamps were necessary.
Read Crush for a backstory regarding my handwriting.
It is Day 150 for this year’s cycle on MyFitnessPal and Day 1,976 since I started this particular selfcare journey. I will update every now and then in case you want to embark on your own journey and to reap your own better health. My intent is to inspire by being and doing. Feel free to ask questions in the comments.
I’ve included my macros ratio for the day. I do not eat out. I prepare my meals at home and I am diligent with watching my portions. I also refrain from consuming processed foods and or artificial flavoring. As mentioned in a previous health post, calorie counting is not necessary for me though it was how I started.
On WHOOP I made a .2 gain this week. I am happy to just maintain a steady “no change” but to make this gain is exciting. This gain is a result of consistency but also with an increase in exercise (heart rate zones and steps per day) and rest (sleep).
Getting good sleep has been more the challenge than diet and exercise for me, especially this past year. With WHOOP, my daily and weekly goal is to reach a 14.2 strain. I have been able to keep consistent above 14.2 with incorporating some Muay Thai shadowboxing sessions, usually two sessions at 20-25 minutes each but on occasion sessions can be 15 or 30 minutes each. With the days getting shorter, I have not been able to get as many trail miles daily so the MT shadowboxing sessions are necessary.
More miscellaneous data: 1. WHOOP tracks sleep, recovery and strain, shown below is my dashboard for the day. 2. My FitBod calisthenics session. 3. My current meditations update on Headspace.
*Check out my previous health and fitness posts if you like this post.
The beauty of trees. As living beings they interact and are a support network, not just within their surrounding environment but in our world. One of the reasons why being in nature is calming is because of how trees vibrate and operate. When entering into a forest area a shift in vibration may be observed or felt. Before entering, take a breath and listen to the sounds around you, both through your ears in sound and through your body in energy. After entering the forest area and walking for a distance, repeat a deep breath and listen to the sounds around you again through sound and energy. An invisible shield created by the perimeter of the trees filter out unnecessary clutter. This is how being surrounded by trees help to ground life forces back to its natural state. With my experiences in nature among the trees, I am able to be more at ease. I am able to let go of societal roles, identities that do not really matter when taking the time for self care and loving one’s self. I do not need to wear a mask or put on a show. I am simple me, real like the trees and expressive like the branches and leaves, grounded like the roots.
Photos included in my slideshow below are some of my favorite captures from my trail adventures. Next time you visit a forest area, don’t forget to pause, look up and around and look to see if the sun is peeking through the leaves. This compilation consists of frames captured during the months of October and November in North America.
Another series of Mother Nature’s beauty from my collection, a set of personal favorites. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
A second compilation of my fungi, mushroom and slime mold collection, findings while out in Mother Nature. To help identify these species, I use Seek by iNaturalist and Plantiary, apps you can download onto your mobile devices. I am not an expert and I do not consume any findings I come across.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
I hope you enjoyed viewing my collection. If you want to see more, check out my series one.
I was born in a refugee camp, not in a hospital. I do not have a birth certificate that tells when I was born. Astrology is fascinating but my day of birth was just an accurate as possible estimate. I appreciate that my father took the time to consider this moment. I know of scenarios where some families all have the same birthday to make paperwork easy, the month and the day are the same, only the year is different.
October 22 is considered Libra but also Libra-Scorpio cusp. Because I have a curious mind I did sometimes read about Scorpio. Scorpio aligns with me as well. It was not until recent that I learned to consider our rising, moon and ascendent signs as well as our sun sign. Some of these aspects are missing in my chart due to the lack of knowing exactly what day and time I was born.
When my family came to the United States, I was a little over a year old. The steward on the airplane gave my mother a diaper for me and my mother did not know what to do with it. The steward showed my mother what to do by demonstrating on me, likely with some language, too but my mother would not have understood the language at the time, whatever the language was. It would take years for my mother to learn her English through watching television and taking a few adult English classes at a local non-profit organization. My mother loved television and knew what time it was depending on what was on. She would often set her routines around her television shows until she got ill.
Life is the soul of us and our bodies are what we wear. If you’ve seen a dead body, especially someone you know at a personal level, it is quite apparent. My mother shifted on December 25, 2018 out of her physical body. When I saw her in preparation for her funeral some time later, I almost did not recognized her. It was her but without her soul life. She would not open her eyes and I would no longer hear her voice, even if just to verify who I was.
There is a saying that life is short but to me, life in a body is short because of the limitations set on that particular body by the consciousness of that person, especially when the conscious mind overrides the subconscious mind. The ego sabotages. Where intuition should be followed it is often ignored or not tuned in to. There is power in the subconscious mind. The human body has the ability to heal itself. The body needs alignment and balance so that energy and vibration can flow.
These are my stats today from WHOOP. I have been using WHOOP for 608 days. It has provided me lots of data and I get to know myself better over time and progress monitoring. I have not had a consistent family doctor in my life so being able to take charge of my health is beneficial to me. According to my documented day of birth that my father put down on paper, I am 47. According to WHOOP’s data analysis, my age is 36.2.
I use WHOOP along with other apps. I have the WHOOP 5.0 so if you are also using WHOOP but have not upgraded, I do recommend it.
In my family, diabetes type 2 is common. Both of my parents underwent dialysis and suffered from kidney diseases before they shifted. Many of my siblings, if not all, are in different stages of diabetes. I do not have diabetes nor am I pre-diabetic but this is a conscious choice that I made 1,962 days ago. I am an active person but I am also careful about what I consume. I am proud of my self-care progress but this kind of care is not taught nor is it really supported or seen in the right way. People encouraged and supported me when I began but after a year or two my progress seems oblivious and perhaps even triggering. As mentioned in a previous post, my data posts are glossed over. I do not need anyone to continue cheering me on, my progress can fluctuate at times but it is steady in trend towards good health. I celebrate by continuing my activities. My mobility is my prize. I get to exercise. It is not chore but a way of being that I enjoy. Instead of going to a gym, I go out into the beauty of Mother Nature where there is fresh air and other natural grounding elements.
The life of a soul is long. It undergoes many iterations of new bodies and experiences. Indigenous cultures treat creatures of the earth and life in general with this respect. In my Hmong heritage, there is a belief that if you could not be with someone in this life, there may be an opportunity in another life.
When was the last time you observed the colors of the leaves, the posture of the trees, the little creatures in nature full of wonder, a peaceful sunset or a refreshing sunrise? Mother Nature is as magnificent as she is amazing. These are some of my favorite captures but more is to come from my adventures. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
*As with all photos shared within my blog posts and other social media platforms where I share my work, images are mine with rights reserved. Please do not re-use or print them without permission.
Mai Lee's Blog