Listening

My windy day photos from a few days ago remind me of how to better see, pause and listen. Set aside time for you and Mother Nature. Be with her. Watch the sun rise or sun set. Declutter the systems that are unnatural, the frequencies that keep you small. The revolution is with the consciousness. Shift your frequency. You are who you are looking for. You are your own hero. Listen to your intuition.

Sometimes when I am on the trail, whether hiking, jogging or taking pictures, I utilize Spotify, Pandora or Apple Music. Sound is healing. It is energy. Just as important as stillness and silence is, so is sound energy.

Music has often been a way to soothe my being when I am in an emotional funk or just need to relax and decompress. I listen to all kinds of music from all genres including film soundtracks, whatever speaks to me. I have had many moments when a song with the perfect lyrics is on air at the exact moment. I remember when trying to leave a relationship, Timmy T’s “One More Try” was on the radio. This was when music streaming platforms were not a thing yet, Naptser and ripping CDs was popular. I was driving from the university to my apartment in my Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was on my way to pick up my belongings and the radio DJ aired this song as if for my specific circumstances. I remember being stopped at a busy traffic light intersection. The lyrics were telling me Baby can we give it one more try? as it started to sprinkle. The heavy rain drops on my windshield also expressed that universe knew our emotions. My empath heart led me back to him but that karmic relationship ended on good terms years later. We became great friends and still wish each other well energetically.

I am one who can listen to a song on repeat and never tire of it. I have driven from Wisconsin to the Carolinas listening to one song on repeat, that’s over 14 hours of driving.

When he introduced this song to me, I did know why it resonated so much. Only after being disconnected did I understand why.

From the other side, I feel his emotions. I know that I am on his mind and it bothers him. It bothers him because I am likely triggering him as he is triggering me.

I have done a lot of inner work, spent years sorting through trauma and unhealthy conditioning on my own. Most therapists do not know the spiritual aspect of what is going on, not the ones I have sought guidance from. Most of their reasoning is through logic which is not how the universe works.

He makes me laugh. I feel open and safe with him, even through space and time.

“Imagine if I made you cry” were his words. And I did. Something came over me. “I have been through so much. It takes a lot to make me cry,” was my response. And yet, there I was, crying.

It was a full moon. My menses just started. I shared briefly about how I was raped and had to marry the guy to save face. I thought I had put it all behind me. I suppressed it for so many years, numbed it all away to continue my matrix duties as this title and that title, to be there for that person and the other person but not for me. That guy and I did become good friends after all of the trials. We were a couple that folks came to for help and comfort. We were very efficient. When I left that relationship, it puzzled people. I remember us going to a family meeting together while my parents rode with his brother in a different car. It was a meeting to finalize our separation but we arrived together and left the meeting together.

I try to do right but I am likely seen as a villain to the collective, especially to those who confirm to societal norms. How could I leave the man who helped me through all that education? Education is my right but in some cultures woman are not allowed education. Or, how could I leave when we were such a successful team? I could no longer stay where I could not be true to me. I was a people pleaser and was performing for others. Putting myself first makes me the villain.

Maybe I was a villain in wanting to express myself to him. Friends but I felt it was more. Who I was with him was uncharted territory for me at different levels. I did not get to say all that I wanted when I got disconnected. I cried again for two more days. I was not upset with him. I was upset with the emotions in me, emotions that I could not control. My authentic ways of being can be intense. I know I trigger people. I have learned to speak truths and I follow my heart and intuition. Relationships have been a struggle for me but I know how important clarity and boundaries are. I also know that a relationship will not work for me if his energy and mine do not align. My words do not reach him, not yet, but my energy does, even after all these months. I feel this to be true, an inner knowing.

I cannot and will not force a relationship. I know what it is like to be forced into a relationship whether for others through Hmong cultural norms or imposed via world societal norms. I also know what it is like to stay in a dead relationship. It is not healthy.

We make mistakes but we are to learn from them. If we do not learn and heal these karmic patterns we will return in another iteration to learn again.

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*All photos are mine in this blog and in all my blog posts. Any music shared via YouTube belongs to the artist, I do not own rights to the music. Please respect and give credit to the artists where credit is due.